Thursday, Mar. 18, 2004 - 10:04 a.m.
It's amazing how it usually takes some kinda of drama in my life that's bubbling over for me to write an entry...
I am afraid. Afraid of ALOT. School... work... relationships... I guess what I am fearing the most right now is Nathan. There are so many "what if's" right now... what if he never calls me again?... what if I never see him again?... what if he gets back with his ex-wife?... what if the feelings I have in side are all in vain?... what if I am wrong about all that I am feeling?... what if???
I have completely lost myself in my "what if's". Never contemplate "what if's"... they really tear apart your brain and turn it to mush! Ok, so, if I never see him again, then there was never anything there in the first place. I shouldn't chase after him like a love sick puppy only hoping that he would give me a moment of his time to entertain me. If he wants me he will come and get me. Its not like he doesnt know how I feel. Yeah, hmmmm, how I feel... that would be sick inside because I fear that I have laid out my heart on a chopping block and he holds the meat cleaver teasing me with it. Uhhhh, why do I torture myself like this? I mean, I love him... but I know I am not in love with him. But its like, when you've come to care for someone so much and they don't let you in, it hurts. Like, they dont trust you or somthing... So, what if he gets back together with his ex-wife... yeah, that would probably hurt. But I shouldnt be hurt by it, heck, I should almost expect it. People resolve problems like this all the time. It could take one night... one date... one "I'm sorry"... one "I love you" to get them back together...
I should have never gotten involved with a man getting a divorse... never opened myself to get hurt... never laid out my heart...
