Saturday, Nov. 29, 2003 - 1:56 a.m.
I havn't thought about Chris this much in a long time. I should be mad at him. I should be hating him and glad he just broke up with Megan. Anything but wanting him back.
I wonder if it was more than just Megan comming back that broke us up. I wonder if I caused him to not want to choose me over her.
Why I am comming back to somthing I thought I left behind, I don't know?
Chris is breaking things off with Megan. This should be a good thing --I would think. (Cause I don't think they had much of a relationship in the first place.) But he is not single either... he is dating this girl Brenda, a girl he met a week ago and is already having sleep-over's with. This scares me. Cause I think that their relaionship (although more real than the one he had with Megan) wont last long. Sex and a body to hold at night is all she is there for. And I wonder if she knows it?
Yeah, I know that's a little harsh to say when I just met the girl. But if he dumped me in a week and a half for Megan; and dumped Megan in a heart beat for this girl... what's not to say that he wouldn't do the same to Brenda? He is so fickle. (ha! and I'm not?)
*sigh* I guess I would like to have another chance with him. But why did't I say this earlier? Why do I love someone I can't have a conversation with without it ending in argument. Why do I love someone who can push my last button and set me off. Why do I love someone who is not at all and in in every way the same as me... Why can't he make up his mind on what he wants... why cant I tell him the truth...
I mean, he choose me for a reason in the first place, right? I mean, he appearently had thought about it for a while... or was he just lonely and I was convenient? Why do I not want to believe that?
Uhhhh, I hate men. They are intrigued by every new thing (chick, I mean) that comes in to their life and then when they have had their fill of her or get bored they move on or complain that they have no one... I feel used. Really, thats what I was for Spencer when I first met him. And same with Chris (we never dated when we met, but he like me) and the same for Mark. Its as though once you give them what they want they don't want it anymore... they are bored and move on to the next poor, helpless victim!
But I love them all. I do. *sigh* And I don't really care about those things... at least I don't want to care about them. I want to forget and forgive all they've done that could keep me from wanting to love them and be with them... I do. I do forgive, I do love, I do forget...
I really would like to be with Chris right now. I want to write him a letter. Tell him all of what I am thinking...all of what I am feeling. My hurts and my needs. My apologies. My love.
When I saw him the other day (after I had met Brenda and found out about Megan) I looked at him. He asked me with out a clue in his face "What?". I got up, gave him a hug and told him I loved him and that I was worried about him. And its true. He should not be with this girl... but I am not sure if he should be with me either. But right now, I want him. And I want him to want me.
What do I do?
