Wednesday, Apr. 07, 2004 - 8:43 p.m.
Well, It's been a week and a half since I have talked to Nathan... and even longer since I have seen him. I honestly believe I am not going to see him ever again. This was hard for me to accept. I guess because I had put so much trust and exspectation in our relationship that I didn't protect my heart to not get hurt. But you know what now? I'm good. I am not hurt anymore... I am a little confused still, but I think time can straighten that out...
You know, a few days ago, when I had realized that he would probably never call again I was devistated. Heartbroken. But you know, I told myself that I was not a victim and I told myself that I was selfish and stupid for wallowing in self-pitty saying "why me?!?!" So I started to keep busy. And try not to think about him... or it or anything revolving around this whole situation. And you know what? Its so refreshing. So freeing. I litterally have peace about this whole situation now. And I didnt before and scared that I would have a more difficult time getting over this than I have actually had. God is good and has been there for me the whole way. I still think about him, cause I am concerned and I care... but knowing that he doesnt dominate my mind and that I have control over my thoughts is very liberating.
I guess one might wonder how in the world someone can care for someone so much and even love someone so much that they have only known for a few months... but you know, you need to let yourself care and let yourself love... I am a believer of the phrase "it is better to have loved and lossed than to have never loved at all." ... and I am not saying go out there and get yourself hurt (haha, cause Ive done that and its not fun) but I am saying, let yourself care and feel but know who you are enough to be able to let go when your being let go of. Cause I have learned so much from this experience and have had a lot of good times and have a lot of good memories, but right now its over... and I know its probably not the last guy I will date. And I am content.
Thank you Lord for your wisdom and love and guidence.